Wanna join my leap of faith into the unknown?

braveness has its consequences.

2010-11-21T04:53:00.002+08:00

gonna muster up all of the confidence i have.
cannonball into the water.
just gonna muster up all the confidence i have.
for you i will.

Sadness radiates

2010-01-27T14:44:00.009+08:00

wearing a mask
hiding his face from a crowd thats desperate to taunt him
taunt him of his imperfections
what they misunderstand of him is that his imperfections are what makes him perfect

the only thing keeping him alive is his believe in the faith and even that he has doubts if his daily practices are correct
with eyes open, his thoughts only dwell back to the past, tears break free.
deep slumber, yet nightmares haunt him of the same wrong deeds he once knowingly did.
is there no escape from this prison, often light shines but...
mindgames complicate matters,dwelling into deeper reflection of the past and occasionally the future.
he sits quietly but anxiously waiting for a miracle to happen.
laughter is not the BEST medicine, perhaps second to best.
Prayer and faith are best for whats to come and he knows it won't be easy.
the sands of time slowly go down as his time slowly runs out.

praying by the grace of God that theres somebody listening

this is my voice,
Voice of the voiceless, the unheard, the calling

fearfully takes his masks off, ready to face the world,
once again.
he takes his masks off, facing his fears
but the fear within him overpowers him, controls him,
a glimpse at what he hid from was all he needed
back to square one, where he begun, fearful.

prays and hears a gentle voice, a girl
it comforts him, illogically giving him hope.

once again he faces the world.
an unknown flash blinds the world
looking through the crowd, with a voice still lingering within his head,
he sees a girl afar, he knew it was her he heard.
he walks towards her, and every step draws him to another.
an angel she was, with wings breaking free awaits him with open arms.
he stands in front of her.
leaning in for a hug that is given with such comfort,
falling into a deep slumber, the voice speaks again quoting
"no more worries, i am here for you."
awaking from his slumber, he sees the Angel,
slowly as he gains consciousness,
though one body, to say it was one Angel had became nonsensical,
several different persons in one body of the Angel,
each with a different perspective whereas all could help him at different times,

as worries change hands, another comes in place

but he knew that he was in the light rather then searching for it,

his perception of life changes,
hope is something which is overflowing from him.

just as he was ready to go forth without his face hidden,
he realises that he has the exact wings of the Angel,
and the Angel that showed him the light was now gone,
vanished into thin air, confusion strikes him,
in the blink of an eye, he is no longer where he was,
a mirror that was covered by a cloak,
removing the cloak, he breaks down,
looking in the mirror, he saw all that he saw in the Angel,
the voice that lingered in his head returns,

" This is what you've been looking for, you've always been searching for something, and now i tell you, that what you've been searching is yourself."

Without much understanding of the occurring events,
he falls to the ground,
is he an Angel, was he an Angel all along?
in another blink of an eye, again he is moved from where he was to somewhere different.
a door stands tall in front of him,
confused, not knowing anything that is going on,
but ready for whats to come,
he is spurred on by his burning desire to know why this is happening,
opening the door, bright lights, greater than a million stars, blinds him,
vanishing into the light, not knowing where he is being taken to,
his life flashes through his eyes,
with tears pouring out, he cries aloud
"why me?"
remaining unanswered he is left to just wait.

purification, cleaning of stains within him occurs,
tears break free, sands of time running out,
one final attempt he cries for help,
finally a voice replies his plea for an answer,
it silences him, but he shall listen to its words.
"Patience, give it time."
" for when you surface from the darkwaters,
you will gain a pair of white wings.

But its not yet your time!

Dreams remains Dreams

2010-01-27T14:29:00.001+08:00

im not a prince
this ain't a fairytale...

possibilities of a new life...

2010-01-02T00:24:00.002+08:00

well ladies and gentlemen
happy new years.
to all.
hmms started the year of well pissed. as usual.
but have to give props to jp and maria, stuck by me throughout the whole night.
the made my day, really. and pretty emotionless at one point, and seeing jp and sacha have romantic couple time didn't make me feel any better realising the fact that i was all alone, well indirectly of course.
seeing the fact that a certain someone kept running away from me.
they were pretty awesome.
thanks guy loves yous guys loads.

just remember,
don't piss me off

verdict is...

2009-06-13T02:07:00.000+08:00

my fault

accepted.

am i who i am?

2009-05-23T15:23:00.003+08:00

hey guys im sorry i've been ignoring all updates request.
just been so caught up in my life!
do any of you know that love SUCKS! big time!

all the girls who read this can you respond,
why is it you like a play with the heart of a guy?
do you not know that its just as sensitive as yours?

so yea erm in my blog i noticed i tallked about her quite sometime back,
i never put her name up like, would talk barely a clue was given,
so dun bother trying to figure out who?
yes well recently alots been happening, its just affected me too much yea!
im sorry, i really am!

i guess im just not the guy everyone thought i was!
somehow what people see me as is someone i never will be!
im sorry i can't be him who everyone thinks i am!

for one that can give so much hope,
for one that can bring so much happiness,
she has the potential to just take it all away!
bring as much darkness into my life!

i know its wrong to say but

though you're no longer the girl i fell for,
im still in it, deep,
i hate myself for it everyday but hais
if i could control emotions i would!
im sorry!
But i can't!

Bunnys like throwing eggs that aren't even theirs!

2009-04-12T03:15:00.002+08:00

Happy Easter people!

so yea was in church till about 2am, dancing walking and stuff
haha and at the start i wanted to go home,
for about an hour, i was the only guy dancer there,
bloody bouncing donkeys,
the ladies had to fight for the prize that is me,
haha in the end when i said that out loud,
francesca screamed and asked me to faster go dance,
haha over protective much eh, but funny stuff man!
was really bored to say the least, so yea haha
danced the waltz and only the waltz properly
the rest of the dances like jive tango
i tried but was too lazy to do the steps anywhere close to the way its suppose to be
and i also forgot half the moves to those dances haha
Salsa and hip i know all there is to know but was damn lazy
last thing i heard francesca and marilyn still in church, overnighting.
so yea let me try recalling the people i danced with,
Francesca and Danielle, my oh my, thats all,
damn thats it when its time for easter ball im dancing with all who are present!
i remember that i wanted to dance with
Sharon, Germaine, Marilyn, Genevieve, Kimberley Bruce.
yea wanter to dance with them but was damn lazy to ask,
oh yea Kimberley the one that has the weird obsession with my shirt being soft and all
haha cool ars, so yea thanx to all,
goodnights, good mornings, good afternoon,
for whenever the time you're reading this monkey crap
and take care people, and once again

Happy Easter

im ok!

2009-04-03T02:27:00.003+08:00

and finally the world decides to listen to what is being said!

its too cliche, i won't say im in love!

2009-03-26T19:35:00.003+08:00

hello again
erm yes

so yea i guess if you all read my older post and stuff i would have mentioned about a girl that i liked well now i am so bloody confused as too what to do,

she obviously showed signs in the beggining but now its like she can't wait but to push me away!

and only yesterday i kinda pretended to like this girl, a different girl, and even when i told her that i was just pretending she was super convinced i was serious about it, she already has enough shit in her life.

shes confused about something and im confused about something, last week everyone was down with a sickness and this week what everyones confused, no one that i know has the answer to any of my question, all they can do is loan me their shoulder but even that i can't accept cause its hard to accept defeat, its so damn hard!

damnit this is all getting irritating, somethings happening thats changing me, i do fear the change.

i was always one who had answers to everything,

even my own questions were no challenge, but now.

i hope that someone, anyone,

who is still able to conjure up answers

tempo has reached critical level!

2009-03-26T19:17:00.003+08:00

hey people

sorry haven't updated the blog for sometime now cause well i've been pretty lazy and i've had no time at all, and no its not because i've been studying, haha me study haha funny shit, been up and down everywhere doing all sorts of stuff.

i need to come up with a salsa dance routine but i have not been attending the dance lessons, i have a ton of uncompleted homework which cannot wait no longer, i have to handle certain issues in other peoples life, and lastly i have issues in my own life, hais stress levels getting high.

lets just say i need a little christopher time but haven't been able to find it!

going to prioritise studies sooon though, my aim to enter masscommunications course or well enter any other course that is given through the polytechnic field, junior college would be awesome but it just ain't my thing, too much studying

nothing else to say so yea take cares people!

Slumdogs!

2009-03-04T17:12:00.004+08:00

so yea the tournament ended sunday,
btw our name was recorded wrongly, from Archespool toes, it became ANcheLpool Toe, haha
We were totally underdogs, since everyone but us had jerseys, we were only colour coordinated, everyone brought a ball for warm up and stretched except for us, they even laughed when we entered the court or the first match.

...heres the details...

team Players- Marcus, Fadhil, Nigel, Audi, Clarisson(captain).

first match (saturday): we were facing a team with a huge groups of supporters behind their back, but somehow we managed and shocked the entire crowd by demolishing the Dream Team 6-1,
( Goals - Clarisson(4), Audi(1), Nigel(1) )... i scored a hat trick wooo

At that point i was shocked cause only after one match we were already through because of goal difference and we'd only be out if we lost like 5 -0...

Second match: we were pretty relaxed knowing that even if we lost by a coupe of goals we're still going through, so yea drew 1-1 with Admiralty young
( Goals - Clarisson(1) )

so we made it through, shockingly since only one team from each group made it, and we were the group champions so yea, we were shockingly considered one of eight elites to go through to sunday finals,
yea so on Sunday, in the group stage quarters, luck wasn't on our side,

First match (Sunday): challenged the Fragrant Boys, they were all from ITE, and they looked like 19 or 20 year olds instead of under 18 competitors, so yea we conceded 2 early goals so lost 2-1, close but it doesn't matter, had to win both matches to go through.
(Goals - (GK)Marcus(1) )

Second Match: Barney up next, must win game for us, we got an early penalty, but i curled it ver the bar, hais i got screwed from there, in a few minutes i requested audi to come in for me, and my leg was pretty screwed, and we had actually scored a goal the referee disallowed cause of some lame reason, hais lost that game 2-1 so we were out less a miracle happened, but still impossible already, it simply wasn't my day
(Goals - Nigel(1) )

Third match and last Match for us and the under 18 quester finals round: so yea now it was all about pride, our opponents, Young warriors, they won frangrant boys 3-0 and were still in the running to go through, but we just wanted to leave with a bang, and dam did we come up with the goods, but started with me immediately scoring an own goal but we rallied and demolished them 7-3, putting an end to their hopes of qualifying and we left happily, we played brilliantly, honest, and the last goal was superb, back and forth attacks with no goals and than after a series of passing, the ball came back to me, and i made solo run scoring the final goal with an OLE, haha i was a happy man, though it wasn't our day, we still proved something to ourselves woooo, we were all smiles walking out!
(Goals - (GK)Marcus(1), Clarisson(3), Nigel(1), Audi(2) )

Final stats -
Total Matches - 5
Goals Scored - 16
Goals Conceded - 7
Scorers(total) - Marcus(2), Fadhil(0), Nigel(3), Audi(3), Clarisson(8)

Quarter Finals Exit, Successful? Dam RIght it was!

Archespool Toes!

2009-02-24T18:27:00.002+08:00

yup thats the name of the soccer team that i'm entering with
Archespool Toes!
Sad things is that i might have to miss church on Sunday!
and That guy that wrote me the Receeipt spelt my name as ciarisson, no l but i what the heck,
nevermind hopefully we'll win!
something!

insert title of choice here!

2009-02-23T18:36:00.006+08:00

so yea went to church bright and early to give announcements yesterday,
everyone was shocked to see my hair, or no hair to say appropriately,
its been quite long the bald look but for those who haven't seen it it was a shocker,

By the Way, Happy Birthday, Jeremiah!

convinced Evangeline to come 11am and promised to meet Danker there too,
but last min wanted to go in alone, but eventually they forced me in with them,
Evangeline can really make a guy laugh, she with her antics,
and Danker with her expressive words haha, funny stuff.
everyone was like nuts yesterday!
yea so accompanied Anne Marie home then had to go back to Church,
than went meeting late, hais,
went for dinner with Satamp and Marilyn,
and lastly went to fico sports hub to play late night soccer,
came home injured and didn't go school the end!

I am Going to Conjure up the courage needed.
if seh can do it, why can't i?
Mark My words, i will!

17 eh hmm... damnit im a year down! hais

2009-02-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

17 years ago, God created you with more love than ever for someone!

Happy 17th birthday my Gorgeous!

DavidlovesGorgeous!

the dust bunnies form when left untouched.

2009-02-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

Year one!
Was right beside for 3 days, though i never really took notice and frankly that was mutual

Year two!
In my dictionary, found a new species, was caught up in it for a short while, though it wasn't enough to make me bother to try.

Year three!
i barely think there was even communication, the peaceful exchange perhaps but nothing else.

Year four!
Got so close, hope came on to me like a bloody tsunami, truly stronger than ever, everything was put in place, the invitation was put forth, my answer was left undecided.
made a mistake

Ongoing life after the completion of initiation stages!
Consequences that are unavoidable, directly and indirectly.
too bad Clarisson Christopher David Michaels, too bad!

Once again it probably heading towards the end,
what if, what if!

Saint Valentine, erm yoohoo over here!

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

hey guys valentines day is here,
just here wishing all couples the best and romantic thingy every,
and for all friendships, hoping they last, hoping.

hmm valentine is is exceptionally romantic but i don't know why,
for people already coupling, its the like the only day where the guy would be super romantic,
and yes that means not himself,
but for people who don't have their special one, like me,
its like a booster which shoots up confidence to ask the one you crush on or love out,
it could be the start of something new or it could just be a wastage of cash,
either way its always nice to be with someone, even if its for a day!
but well it hurts a lot when you find out that the one you crush on, crushes on someone else!
its the damn circle of life, its the damn wheel of fortune.
its the leap of faith into the unknown!

Saint valentine, what about me?

yoohoo, freddie, jason come out!

2009-02-13T22:38:00.002+08:00

did anyone notice that today was friday the 13th, cause i didn't
but i sould have known since i had a damn bad day!

emotionless emotions!

2009-02-10T00:24:00.002+08:00

i don't really understand what i've been feeling lately,
its been to confusing to crack,
i'll just wait patiently for things to get more clear!

i was told to stay away,
but all i want to do is run
but know i will take you some place where we can be alone,
i'll be the prince and you be the princess,
i'll save you, follow your heart and never deny it!
it'll be different, it'll be difficult but it will be real,
i'll be there, i'll try!
i love you and thats all i really know!

damnit evil emotions, get off my back!

2009-02-09T23:11:00.002+08:00

Irritated!

im a LEO and im sensitive, far more than anyone should be,
be warned, entered at your own risk,
do i look like a guy that thrives on hurting girls,
honestly does anyone think i intend to hurt people,
lately i have been pretty irritated, at what, EVERYTHING!
everyone is assuming their own thing,
this is the reason why Spiderman considered giving up who he was,
though obvious he did good, he ended up being the bad guy!
he tries so hard doing good but yet he is still seen as the bad guy,
this is why i like spiderman, i can relate to how he feels,
i'm trying to save the people that will eventually hate us,
i help people out by loaning them a shoulder to cry on,
a listening ear than helps through erm well a talking mouth or typing fingers perhaps,
and it gets really old, really fast when being persecuted
this is something that i just realised and its that i have been losing alot,
losing alot of people i once considered friends,
i wish some things could go back to when it was practically perfect!
and i also notice that every single peron has changed, since i've returned from malaysia
most of them change not for the better!
though it saddens me, im taking it as a sign,
i am starting a new, and no one is going to stop me!
less it is Him who plans all who decides me to be there!
life is not going to get easier, not one bit,
learning from the past is not as easy as it may ever seem,
i think im just going to go back to the days where i didn't care about anything,
i'll just ind my own business, indirectly i am saying i'll just be bloody emo alrights!
end of a chapter!

Content but NOT Satisfied!

an intimate message from God to all.

2009-02-03T21:41:00.004+08:00

My Child,

You may not know me,

but I know everything about you.
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
I am familiar with all your ways.
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
For you were made in my image.
In me you live and move and have your being.
For you are my offspring.
I knew you even before you were conceived.
I chose you when I planned creation.
You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I knit you together in your mother's womb.
brought you forth on the day you were born.
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father.
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
For I am the perfect father.
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Because I love you with an everlasting love.
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sands on the seashore.
And I rejoice over you with singing.
I will never stop doing good to you.
For you are my treasured possession.
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.
And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
For it is I who gave you those desires.
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.
For I am your greatest encourager.
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you.
As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
He is the exact representation of my being.
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you.
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.
My question is Will you be my child?
I am waiting for you.

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God

hide and seek is over sleep, you can come out now!

2009-02-03T21:36:00.003+08:00

i am dead tired

insert title here!

2009-02-03T21:15:00.002+08:00

boredom is rotting me upside down, inside out...

i want to go church daily spending countless hours just staring blankly away,
but with that special comfort, a peaceful state of mind,

hais just wishing my life waas like perfect and i know its ridiculous but hais
want to start a new life,
simply want to leave all wrongdoings and imperfections behind,
life, its reallly hard and complicating, and the situations not improving, not one bit!

tthis is always the case but its so darn confusing,
its like one can have all answers to everyones problems, but he will have no answer that can help himself in his time of need, even if its the same problem he soo easily solved easing anothers burdenss,

Heavenly Father, Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit,
please don't ever leave me!

bored much!

2009-01-31T16:44:00.003+08:00

really been bored the past few days,
well on thursday,
went to school, went to Dorothyshouse, than to church, to causewaypoint, went to soccercourt
only about 1045pm i reached home after leaving house about 6am.
and didn't go school the next day, was too tired hais,
missed out and continually missing out too much in school,
friday was home pretty much the whole day, was sisters brithday,
21st birthday, shes all grown up now,
than i went out for a little bit of soccer,
wasn't in the mood though, but still never say no to soccer,
yea was suppose to head over to hmm i think Joels place but i canceled cause was too lazy,
yea and msged emmanuel and he thinks i was Amanda pretending to be Clarisson,
he still thinks my handphone number is amandas prank number!
hais, and yea chatted to evan for awhile at night, was too awkward,
than yea watched mtv, nickelodeon, disneychannel, suntv, hais and lets just say slept too darn late!

save me from my boredom of misery will ya?

randomnesssss!

2009-01-31T16:33:00.003+08:00

has anyone been watching the australian open tennis grand slam,
been glued to the television ever since it started,
its been so freaking cool, Djokovic and verdasco, tsonga are freaking awesome players,
they play phenomenal tennis, hais djokovic, if only he waas alright on the day of the quarters,
verdasco has played the best tennis in the whole tournament,
producing some of the most phenomenal shots against Rafael nadal, but even nadal had some shots up his sleeve,
Rafael nadal won but verdasco was awesome,
that was truly the best match ever, 5 hours of breath taking shots,
that match was a classic worhty of a final,
was really hoping for a verdasco and djokovic final though,
but still it had been a great tournament...
have to miss the final though, have church,
nvrm, got encores for sure...

well yea
i hope you're happy,
i know i am when i know you are!

starting anew!

2009-01-27T22:48:00.001+08:00

hey people

im bald!

carry me through the fire!

2009-01-26T00:25:00.002+08:00

very lazy and pretty irritated to update blog nowadays!

i wish i could just run away from it all, be away from the world,
peace is like my foe and only despair is my ally,
hais, i think the crap going on in my life is God trying to test me,
on where my limitations lie,
pushing me beyond my comfort zone,
now i say, whatever may come in the way,
i will stay faithful, i will be there,
i will be a sanctuary.
you are now carrying me my Lord,
as i am there for all, be there for me!

The Lord is my Shepard,
there is nothing i shall want!

awkward much!

2009-01-20T03:02:00.004+08:00

apologies for what i wrote on the previous post
im ok now, needed to release everything on my mind!
and it helped alot hais.
haiyoooo!

k first off, after coming back to singaapore,
couldn't sleep so watched arsenal triumph over hull, yea.
slept at 5/6am, woke up at 11am to go for junior catechism meeting,
came late again, disappointing,
and well learnt several different " disciplinary life skills"
was a real quiet meeting, not only on my behalf but generally it was quiet.
than walked around, Francesca is nuts by the way,
one by one slowly sent every girl home, than sent myself home,
the same night decided to torn with gian and brandon at yew tee,
it started dam cool, then boring
ended up making stupid phone calls,
Evangeline told me something that still confuses me, shes one crackpot haha
went to yew tee park, scary stuff happened, we all experienced something,
the lights kept turning on and off itself,
we saw shadows moving that weren't even suppose to be there,
and a man who well wasn't normal, and a lot of orbs
it was dam freaky, i doubt they ever wanna go out with me late nights again haha.
yea then woke up met lassi, late, haha
had a nice long talk with her,
then went to church and had a feeling i needed to message avlyn,
found out she could use someone to talk to, so met her after mass,
had a great and open conversation with her,
its amazing how one can trust another in the blink of an eye,
i understand her, everything about her i do know how it feels,
then sent her home but on the way with her to the stairs that leads to her house,
her fathers comes apparently going to shops and saw me following her home,
then she intro-ed me and yea now she thinks that to her father, well nevermind haha
lets just say it was dam awkward, to say the least.
than met marilyn and francesca at LJS,
francesca is really nuts btw haha,
started testing them english,
gave marilyn easy ones with answers and gave francesca hard ones with no help.
hilarious. haha.
accompanied Marilyn back to yew tee then came back to woodlands
talked to vanessa and elvyin,
msged avlyn throughout the night and yea done night
so goodnitess
xP

i'll be there for those that need me,
whenever it may be, i'll be there.

hmm, home!

2009-01-18T04:11:00.002+08:00

incomplete but well its close enough,

so yea i am back in Singapore, been a long time coming
so yea ride back was boring but heck,
as soon as i got reception back i get a call from Nigel, crazy
he was like "welcome back my brother" and then "wanna play soccer"
cool return to Singapore, i kept the fact i was coming home quiet,
not one soul knew, Nigel was just really lucky to call nice timing,
yea then i decided to message Evangeline and Vanessa
(i owe both of you a phone call, i remember)
yea then had a loud welcome by my sister than off to church,
wanted to attend Youth Eucharist, as soon as i entered,
Jeremiah spotted me, he shouted oh he's back,
then slowly everyone came, or least those who know haha,
in sequence of the memorable welcomes, missed out lots of names so sorrys hais,
(in brackets is the type of welcome)
Jeremiah(Loud), Marilyn(cute, funny but suprised), Sharon(happy), andrew(shocked but welcoming), Ashley(calm),
Gian(awkward, funny and tiring), Dorothy(Blur, Very Blur), Sheila(warm), and hmm jeshaiah(violent)...
thanks people, haha funny stuff
on a Personal view, since i didn't know the plan and was like one of the very blur youths theres,
the youth mass was very indirect, it was very hard to drive the meaning out of each activity,
but still it was fun, haha, i tied those people up, haha gave Desiree a rash
yea, was once again blessed with the opportunity to share the blood of Christ to the youths
it is an honour, love the faith,
i am willing to follow, O' Lord.
The EnD
but just for the Record,

I BELIEVE! wooooooo

Angel of death, Guide her safely.

2009-01-16T21:56:00.005+08:00

this morning woke up to a call,
a relation in Malaysia had passed on,

may the heavenly host welcome you warmly,
as Saint Peter opens the gates into your eternal reward,
HEAVEN!

...R.I.P...

holdin you tonight

2009-01-15T22:29:00.004+08:00

slowly im gaining composure, calmness,
but choices i've made will affect me
hais i completely spaced out on the soccer gig i had in school,
as foreseen
i am probably going to go school and be well real blur,
as usual.
its alright, i'll bounce back, just wait and see...

every night I miss you I can just look up
and know the stars are holding you tonight

everything eventually dies, even familyhood

2009-01-13T21:39:00.003+08:00

just got an indirect slap in the face by the irritants at Malaysia
First off i wanted to be able to attend the youth Eucharist,
as i wanted to attend everyone that is to be held this year,
and since my father had already said before i talked to him that we be leaving here on the 15, i talked to him.
and he said my mom wants to leave on the 19 talk to her,
i tried persuading him, he said alright, since he wants to leave early too, i was pleased, obviously
so then went to my mom, and she immediately scolding me,
she didn't even give me a freaking chance to speak for heavens sake,
everything that i said was not important to her, only her needs were important,
i couldn't even voice myself out,
then when i asked for my fathers support, since he earlier agreed that is
he completely turned it around on me and said i kept pestering him,
when it was initially him who said he wanted to leave Malaysia on the 15, even earlier then what i wanted
am i not important to her,
then she brings her sister (my big mouthed aunty) into the picture
she said i wanted to go home early, and she started saying irrelevant stuff,
these are her exact words talking about me
"let him go la, he stay here also no point what he never help with anything in the house and never do anything at all, ask him go la we don't need him here,
what was i too say, it was either shout at her or stay quiet and cry,
but well too late i held my head down and started to cry, but i kept my tears hidden,
now they've completely turned my parents against me,
only my father is a bit understanding but even he is partially listening to them,
feel like simply jumping off a building, without dying,
i just want to go through the pain
Screw everyone in this household.

i've been writing this load of crap with unceasing tears pouring down my eyes,
i just can't stop crying
screw me and screw my life.

only heaven knows...

2009-01-13T03:25:00.000+08:00

after all these weddings things, i've been feeling really lonely
sort of emo but not emo, im just feel real lonely
and this feeling is not gonna decrease when i get back to singapore,
i have been simply stoning around to these songs
when you say nothing at all and heaven knows
its not helping emotionally, but im now sort of addicted to the feeling,
an unholy addiction

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go, she's all i know
though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger, every day
but i can't do anything, i won't do anything, yes fear consumes me.
so tell me where do i start, cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go
accepting loneliness but finding it hard to manage it, yet giving myself extra dosages
why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave, i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...
loner forever i suppose, incapable of evading the faith given,
as much as i hate to say it,
even friendships i hold dear to my heart will eventually die off,
whether long term or short term,

give me the courage oh Lord, to face the world, alone if i must

2009-01-13T03:23:00.000+08:00

weddings are indeed very beautiful and momentous occasions,
i constantly prayed for them whenever i could and when i was free,
making full use of my time, i also prayed for the o level students,
well yes the wedding of cyndy and aru is over
but the lifelong partnership has only just begun.
it was beautiful and funny at times as well, but truly beautiful
hmm, can't wait for my turn to become one with the person i love,
to be joined in holy matrimony, hais it would be the greatest feeling ever,
well i guess i'll have to wait if i ever do get married,
wonder who the unlucky bride would be,
hais who am i kidding no one would ever get married to a guy like me?
would you love a monsterman,
would you truly understand the beauty of the beast, hais.
well guess not, i'll just look at love from afar,

Would he ever find love?
or is he destines for loneliness?

encounters

2009-01-13T03:19:00.002+08:00

this happened on 12 january, at around 3am

decided to use the computer outside the house,
by the way, the house is in front of a forest like hill,
yea was using till about 3am till well funny stuff started happening that scared the berjeebers out of me,

the family dog started barking at something and i knew it saw something not everyone can see,
trust me i know it saw something,
then the dog just dropped to the floor, laid there but continued to bark,
its the first time i saw something like that, soon a strong wind came,
and the dog suddenly started breathing like a MAN, like OMG
i was sitting there freaked out pretty much,
i thought to myself its going to be alright Clarisson,
its all a figment of my imagination, or so i thought,
soon i heard a girl scream, and that was it,
i ran in the house with the laptop and slept immediately after a short prayer.

this happened on 13 january, at around the same timing, simply moments ago from writing this

i heard a voice that said help me,
i went outside the house looking but no one was there,
but i knew what i was looking for wasn't well alive
soon i heard the exact same scream i heard the night before, hais
malaysia you're freaking me out.

connected through connections

2009-01-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

hey i just found out today that the groom in this wedding
is actually a professional soccer player,
thats so freaking cool,
well i only wanted o say this for now, nothing more
boohoo

tired much

2009-01-11T02:12:00.004+08:00

Faithful, Courageous

had one hell of a day and i am freaking tired, so i can only do a proper post tomorrow, i hope
and well another reason i am going to sleep early is..
well Marilyn fell asleep early today i think, Happy for her.
(flourish her with dreams worthy of a goddess)
so i have no msn buddy today haha, so yea early night for me.
Weddings and everything else in malaysia is done, now awaiting notification for boarding of the choochoo train back home,

What i confirmed is true through my own experiences,

prayer is a very if not the most powerful thing.
Details will be given tomorrow...
or today whichever way you look at it

2008, hmm not bad, but still the best...

2009-01-10T05:09:00.001+08:00

thanksgiving time,

2008 was, personally, the year with the greatest change
i actually became faithful and got interested in church,
got into church ministries, Choir and now Junior Catechists,
i kind of miss the choir crew, 11am awesomeness
facilitated my first camp, secondary ones, sporting bunch of imbeciles, ahaha
but i really do owe it do some people,
well your testimony is here, whether short or long,
apologies in advance if you're name is not in the list,
i am feeling really happy at a what someone just told me over msn at exactly 4.08 am.

Johnians, Greatest bunch of classmates i have ever known,

sadly we bonded sort of late,
fortunately, bonding as no time limits
Love each and everyone of you.

ClaireAimee, my older sister, my awesome ninny rah sister.

but you are one that i will never forget,
you are the coolest of the lot i have met.
our sibling hood shall never die, squidward...

VanessaAlexis, probably the most trusted ally of the year 2008,

you are the person that i have never hid anything from throughout the year,
alright, perhaps one or two things but hey,
its funny how we practically hated each other in the sec 2 camp,
but Vanessa, now and always, i trust you with my life, know that. cheerios!

EvangelineAnnMarie, Gorgeous

One that has always been there for me
you have a place in my heart,
always and forever.

BrandonAidan, the Care Bear

the one that never ceases to amaze me with his ability to bring laughter,
and lets not forget guitar, haha,
hope that we're tight till the end of time man.

Gian, Nasi goreng Ayam Sambal,

i think i've already said enough for you, haha
great hanging with you, and truly an great friend
but please stop playing with your teeth device thingy
shuffle on my brother, cheers

Priscilla, great confidant and lassi,

very funny, very trusty. very good friend,
don't ever be hurt unnecessarily though,
you have great wisdom within you, i know you have it.
use it, yours truly lassii

Marilyn, the best thing to happen to me for the year,

you're the reason why i can afford these ever expensive smiles nowadays,
it was because you recommended me to Father,
that i am in Junior Catechist,
i feel really connected to you and i am clueless as to why,
Marilyn, i truly feel that getting to know you has changed me,
faithfully, mentally, emotionally, i am stronger now,
you can light up the dark without even saying a word
the smile on your face lets me know that you're there for me,
there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me,
the touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall,

thank you, for all the times you've saved me,
i trust you with my life
no matter what, i will be there for you
Always and Forever... xD

Goosepinkletoes

2009-01-10T02:11:00.002+08:00

Death is for certain,
but when will it strike?

well, today was a relatively sad day, the family hamster died.

it was one with the family, lived a short but awesome life.
its death was unfortunate and totally uncalled for
but well this is life

death is the only thing that is certain in life, even life is never certain.

test and trials of life...
Rest in peace little one, i know you're up there.
hais, theres nothing more to be said...

he continually awaits for an answer,
patiently, in that abyss which he eventually calls home!

now im coming alive, body and soul

2009-01-09T04:08:00.002+08:00

-feeling my world start to turn

freak out level has reached critical zone.
my sister, the one who has never ever complimented my english,
actually praised me, well sort of at least.
reading the blog,
she found it had to believe that i came up with the stuff i am writing
she actually thought i stole all my descriptive/expressive words from some poem.
she said i am good expressing my feelings into words,
she was probably more shocked than any other emotion,
why i am making this a big deal is because my sister is into the poetic field,
and she said some of my expressive phrases were were well used.
she never knew i could blend my mind and heart to form these stuff.
she never knew i was so emotional, well thats no longer in the dark is it?
its really a huge morale booster for me,

awaking from his slumber, he sees the Angel,
slowly as he gains consciousness,
though one body, to say it was one Angel had became nonsensical,
several different persons in one body of the Angel,
each with a different perspective whereas all could help him at different times,

as worries change hands, another comes in place

but he knew that he was in the light rather then searching for it,

his perception of life changes,
hope is something which is overflowing from him.

" This is what you've been looking for, you've always been searching for something, and now i tell you, that what you've been searching is yourself."

you're the Inspiration...

2009-01-09T03:31:00.003+08:00

Read it and weep tears of joy

One night a man had a dream,
he had a dream that he was walking along the beach with the Lord,
Across the sky flashed scenes of his life.
for each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one of which was his and the other belonged to the Lord,
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back,
noticing that many times along the path of his life,
there was only ONE set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened only hen it seemed to be some of the saddest parts of his life.
this bothered him dearly, and he questioned the Lord about it,

"Lord, you that once i decided to follow you, you'd never leave me and walk with me all the way but i notice that during the most troublesome of times in my life there is only one set of footprints, i don't understand why when i needed you the most you would leave me?"
The Lord Replied,
" My precious, precious child, I LOVE YOU, and i would NEVER LEAVE YOU,
during your times of trial and suffering, when you only saw one set of footprints in the sand,
do know that those were the times i carried you.

Criticism is human nature but...

people should get the fact that their not the only one on this planet into their thick skull,

uncalled for criticism, is it really needed,
unless called upon for opinions
people should keep their criticism abilities to themselves.
Reading this sort of stuff can inspire one,
giving one hope, strengthening ones faith
who cares if its illogical or if its probably made up for attention,
everything that is said in the world WILL affect someone,
whether negatively or positively,
just let it be, instead of aggravating it,
Simply let everything go, letting it go with the flow.

I think you should know you're saving me...

2009-01-08T18:35:00.009+08:00

was up till the rising of the sun today so yea had a dreamless nights,
was up with Marilyn throughout the night, on msn, in a very intense state of the conversation then, at 4.30 in the morning, came two sleepless relatives taking me out to go have very early breakfast or very late supper.
Mee Ketchup i think thats whats it called, quite nice with a can of coke at the side
so continued our very emotional conversion through sms, but slowly because the time needed to reply and receive through phone the intensity of the topic we were on slowly faded away.
slowly died off, isn't that what usually happens, everything eventually DIES!
came home about 5.30 and laid on my bed, with the phone in my hand awaiting for replies.
next thing i knew it was almost 1, hais.
2 messages from her, she thought i was still at the 24 hours coffee shop after nearly SEVEN HOURS.
i woke up with a burst of laughter when i read her message.
i haven't woke up to this in a very long time, it was indeed much needed.
its been too long to say the least, thanks for the laughter MC.

but she couldn't sleep. sads. since i have insomnia i feel her pain.
Hoping her Guardian Angels give her sleep flourishing with dreams worthy of a Goddess.

he takes his masks off, facing his fears
but the fear within him overpowers him, controls him,
a glimpse at what he hid from was all he needed
back to square one, where he begun, fearful.

prays and hears a gentle voice, a girl
it comforts him, illogically giving him hope.

falling into a deep slumber, the voice speaks again quoting
"no more worries, i am here for you."

every decisions has its consequences, whats this going to be.

2009-01-08T17:55:00.004+08:00

Alright,

i am deciding to let the dreams go,
i want to let my worries go.
i just really really hope that these dreams really were just dreams,
usually its right in my face and easily decoded but this is too complicated.
i can't keep on straying my thoughts towards these depressive thoughts,
i care so much about others that i forget about well myself,
i've always put others before myself, no matter who the person is,
a sister, a brother, a friend or just classmates.
and frankly thats not gonna change cause i only find happiness when others find it.
i promise whenever anyone needs me, i'll be there.

a colleague of mine recently quoted these,
" We just have to Grow up and move on from these things"
"we can't keep holding on to these things"
"it can only hurt us if we allow its entry"
THANKS FOR THE COMFORTING WORDS

i will never let you fall,
i will stand up with you forever,

i will be there for you through it all,
even if saving you sends me to heaven

Perceptive Reality...

2009-01-08T00:08:00.010+08:00

the mind is a cruel thing when it works against you.

can't control thoughts from straying towards 3 individuals mainly now, obviously Evangeline and Kimberly Bruce
its because of the dream.
in one corner i worry for them, but at another it brings me to this place called happy-land.
butterflies move around within my stomach when i wonder off in my mind of the dreams i've been having recently.
still clueless on where the signs lead to.
Once again, emotional feelings for Kimberly Bruce and Evangeline stay at the friendship borderline.
the third party unfortunately remains locked up within my little fragile heart.
though i have the key, i doubt i am going to open it anytime soon.

i am not prince Charming, since i am neither charming nor princely.
this life we live in has no fairytale ending, its not a movie that ends happily ever after,
its usually a life that ends, WHAT IF? think about it.

by the way, Alexis, i know people are there for me, but you should know me.
I am kind of like a closed book, attempting to type my wondering thoughts but still its hard.

talking to marilyn now and tears are being forced in my eye at this very moment
like a dam just waiting to breakdown.
She is someone that i can talk to about anything, shes the best.
and don't ever be shy, confront your fears and be the person who want to be.
its hard
well in life nothing is ever easy, isn't it

holding on to this deteriorating mind, this body.
full of negativity, pessimistic doesn't help one bit.
the weight is taking its toll, unable to control the emotions.
partially Glad to know ,im not the only one who feels the way i feel.
but also worried that someone actually feels the way i feel, its not a good place to be in.
i guess this is why God sent me to Marilyn.

Marilyn, Vanessa, missing you unimaginably.
p.s. i love you guys, really...

humanly perception changes in an instant.

a blink of the eye and the person can be anew.
its not about what people hear,
its all about the views on what is heard.

allow its entry and prepare for a bumpy ride, as requested.
deny the entry, emotionally strengthens the heart, the body, the soul.

i am praying by the grace of God that theres somebody listening

this is my voice,
Voice of the voiceless, the unheard, the calling

fearfully takes his masks off, ready to face the world,
once again.

you were right
happiness can be found through the miseries...

Sweetdreams or Nightmares?

2009-01-07T15:04:00.008+08:00

A little bit of both perhaps, maybe their like Sweetmares!

Lately i've been having dreams, but their not normal dreams.
normal dreams as in an escape into a reality unreachable.
they are such realistic dreams, its like somethings are obviously impossible to be done but still they are done and you could actually just believe and imagine as though it really happened.
3 nights, 2 dreams but they are both stuck in my mind.

first dream was about Kimberly Bruce, and today i just had a dream about Evangeline.
in one dream its only me and Kimberly Bruce, its as though we were best friends.
in another its all about Evangeline, the funny thing that the dream started mainly about the junior cats going on an outing to some beautiful Catholic park, then slowly i wondered off and next thing i knew, there was Evangeline and its as though we were best of friends.
and its funny that both the dreams ended awkwardly in the same way.
its weird cause i am no where even near close to Kimberly Bruce and well Evangeline well yea i am close to her to a certain extent but i haven't been in contact with her for awhile.
nor have i have been thinking of them at all, but now their both stuck in my head.
i mean if i had a dream why can't have a dream about my past, cause i think about it everyday.
or Jamie, i voted for her on stylefactor contest and was looking through her photo album.
or why not Marilyn, i talked to her yesterday till late.
its really confusing.
and i know i don't have feelings for either one of them, its just such a random dream which is the reason why its captured my attention.
The weirder thing is that in reality, Evangeline and Kimberly Bruce are the best of Friends.
what is it a sign for me drawing me towards them, is something gonna happen between them.
am i going to be involved somehow?
This randomness of mine has got to stop, but i really wonder what if it really means something which might explain the reason why the dreams are stuck inside my head.

about a month ago, the same thing happened to me, i had visions of Marilyn, and also a dream it was freaky but eventually i found out what it meant, the hidden meaning and i was afraid but eventually according to what i read on her blog, it really help her.

i really hope this decodes soon.

Dreams are ways of escaping into a world of ones deepest unreachable imagination.
a way where the dead can communicate, sort of like emails but the dead version.
dreams soon turn sour, bitter.
taking him into an abyss of my nightmares rather then my desires.
'goodnight, sweetdreams' commonly used term to tuck someone in.
doesn't seem so sweet though
he still wonders, what if dreams mean something
what if hes meant to do something, and what if he doesn't accomplish it.
fear dwells within him, his worst nightmares.
he falls into a deep slumber hoping, praying begging for more signs
one that can save him and those who need him.
he simply wishes to not reject, nor to be rejected.

Confusion? its nothing new.

2009-01-07T03:28:00.008+08:00

loneliness is a feeling i am simply incapable of shaking off.
the sadness breaks into tears as the sky is at the darkest moving into the light.
i wish someone, would just rescue me from my misery.
if only people could see the world i see then they would know how i feel.
letting go of something that affected you dearly is not as easy building a self made bomb you know.

*talks to companion who is a closely trusted ally, very few like her can be found, thanks be to God.

by the way, a simple question, am i someone that truly likes to hurt girls?
honestly answer me? its something that was said last year (though last yea isn't so long ago) it haunts me.
i don't want to go back to my past, just wanna run away from it all, from it all...
in princess diaries, they said miracles happen when you believe
well i believe so i guess i'll just have to wait
and wait,
and wait.

Grand Opening...

2009-01-07T02:17:00.003+08:00

Well first post in a very long time, i left my old blog behind...
p.s. my alto ego is now one with me through the sacrament of confirmation....
who knows maybe I'll meet someone else,
someone else within me who has the solutions to all my problems...
and no i am not a sociopath nor am i anything else, i am Clarisson Christopher David Michaels...
and thats that...
i guess its time to start anew...
am i freaking you out, please don't go, i won't hurt...

wearing a mask
hiding his face from a crowd thats desperate to taunt him
taunt him of his imperfections
what they misunderstand of him is that his imperfections are what makes him perfect
complicated enough for you? confused much are you?
welcome to my life!